What Most Couples Get Wrong (And How to Get It Right)
Let me start with a confession.
Before I got married, I spent more time planning my wedding reception than I spent preparing for my actual marriage.
I picked out colors, tasted cakes, debated centerpieces, and stressed over seating charts. But did I sit down with my fiancé and have honest conversations about conflict resolution? Financial priorities? Parenting philosophies? Spiritual expectations?
Not really.
And I’m not alone. Most of us do the same thing. We spend thousands on a day and almost nothing on a lifetime.
That’s why I’m passionate about structured relationship preparation. Not because I have it all figured out — but because I’ve seen what happens when couples prepare well versus when they don’t. And the difference is heartbreaking.
The Problem with “Just Love”
We’ve been sold a lie. The lie says: If you really love each other, that’s enough. Love will conquer all. Love will figure it out.
But love — at least the romantic, feeling-based version we’ve reduced it to — is actually a terrible foundation for marriage.
Why? Because feelings change.
You will wake up some mornings and not feel in love. You will have seasons where your spouse irritates you more than they delight you. You will face circumstances — job loss, grief, illness, betrayal — that no amount of “butterflies” can survive.
“Love is not a feeling. Love is a covenant. And covenants require preparation.”
Structured relationship preparation isn’t about killing romance. It’s about building something strong enough that romance has a place to live safely.
What Most Couples Never Talk About (But Should)
In my blog on Growth and Relationships, I wrote about how every increase, blessing, or setback can be traced back to a relationship. Marriage is the ultimate example of this. The person you marry will either launch you toward your destiny or anchor you away from it.
So why do we treat marriage as an emotional decision rather than a strategic one?
Here are the conversations most couples never have before marriage — but absolutely should:
1. Conflict Resolution
How did your family handle conflict? Did they yell? Stonewall? Pretend nothing was wrong? Make up but never address the root issue?
You will bring those patterns into your marriage. And unless you’ve examined them, you’ll repeat them.
Structured preparation asks: How do we fight? And how do we repair?
2. Financial Philosophy
Are you a saver or a spender? Do you believe in debt or avoid it? Will you combine finances or keep them separate? Who pays the bills? What’s your budget for giving?
Money is one of the leading causes of divorce — not because couples don’t have enough, but because they never agreed on how to handle it.
Structured preparation asks: What is our theology of money, and how will we live it out together?
3. Spiritual Expectations
This one breaks my heart. I’ve seen too many couples assume that because they both “believe in God,” they’re spiritually compatible.
But believing in God isn’t the same as praying together. Going to church isn’t the same as having a shared vision for ministry. Saying grace at meals isn’t the same as leading your family spiritually.
Structured preparation asks: What does it actually look like to pursue God together — not just beside each other?
4. Family Boundaries
How often will you see your parents? Who makes decisions — you and your spouse, or your extended family? What happens when your parents disagree with your spouse?
The Bible says a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife. But “leaving” is emotional, not just geographical. Many marriages fail because someone never actually left.
Structured preparation asks: Where do we draw the line between honoring our parents and protecting our union?
5. Intimacy and Expectations
No one wants to talk about this, but silence doesn’t make it go away. What are your expectations for physical intimacy? How often? What if your libidos don’t match? How will you communicate needs without shame or pressure?
Structured preparation asks: Can we talk about the uncomfortable things before they become painful things?
Why “We’ll Figure It Out” Is Not a Plan
Some of you are reading this and thinking: But we love each other. We’ll figure it out as we go.
I understand that impulse. It feels romantic. It feels trusting.
But here’s what I’ve learned: what you don’t confront before marriage, you will be confronted by during marriage.
The issues don’t disappear. They just go underground. And then one day, five years in, you’re in a blowout fight about something that seems small — but it’s not small. It’s the accumulation of everything you never talked about.
“Preparation doesn’t guarantee a perfect marriage. But lack of preparation almost guarantees unnecessary suffering.”
What Structured Relationship Preparation Actually Looks Like
I’m not talking about a one-hour meeting with your pastor a week before the wedding. That’s not preparation — that’s a checkbox.
Structured preparation means:
1. Intentional Time, Not Just Time
Many couples spend plenty of time together — but most of it is entertainment, not preparation. Watching Netflix together is not the same as working through a marriage prep curriculum together.
What to do: Dedicate specific time each week to talk about your future, not just your schedule. Use resources that ask the hard questions.
2. Outside Perspective, Not Just Your Own
You cannot see what you cannot see. Every couple has blind spots. That’s why wisdom literature says: “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety” (Proverbs 11:14).
What to do: Find a mentor couple who has the kind of marriage you want. Meet with them regularly. Let them ask you uncomfortable questions.
3. Assessment, Not Assumption
Don’t assume you’re on the same page about major life decisions. Don’t assume you know what your fiancé believes about discipline, or in-laws, or career sacrifices, or how many children you want.
What to do: Use actual assessments — whether through premarital inventories, counseling, or structured workbooks. Get the assumptions out of your head and onto the table.
4. Skill-Building, Not Just Information
Knowing what a healthy marriage looks like is not the same as knowing how to build one. Information without application is just trivia.
What to do: Practice conflict resolution before you’re in crisis. Learn to apologize and forgive when the stakes are low. Build habits of prayer and communication now, while it’s easier.
What the Church Gets Wrong (And Right)
I love the church. I serve in my local church. I believe marriage is a covenant designed by God.
But I’ll be honest: the church has sometimes made marriage harder, not easier.
What we’ve gotten wrong:
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Telling couples that any two Christians can marry successfully if they just pray enough
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Shaming couples who want to wait or be intentional (“just have faith”)
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Focusing so much on “not living in sin” that we forget to prepare people for actually being married
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Acting like marriage problems are always a lack of prayer rather than a lack of skills
What we need to get right:
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Recognizing that marriage requires both grace and wisdom
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Providing structured preparation as a normal part of discipleship, not an exception
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Treating marriage as a calling, not just a status
“Faith is not foolishness. God gave us wisdom for a reason. Using it honors Him.”
A Personal Invitation
This is why I’ve created resources to help couples prepare well.
On my website, www.extravagantgracebook.com, you’ll find free courses on dating, love, and relationships — including materials designed to help you have the conversations most couples never have.
These aren’t just information downloads. They’re structured guides to help you:
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Identify your relationship patterns before they become problems
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Talk about the hard things in a safe, productive way
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Build a spiritual foundation that will actually hold weight
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Know whether you’re ready — and if not, what to do about it
I’ve also started the “Are You Ready” podcast on Spotify. Season one focuses on healing from emotional hurts — because so many of us bring unhealed wounds into our relationships and wonder why they keep opening.
A Word for Those Already Married
Maybe you’re reading this and you’re already married. And maybe you’re thinking: Too late for me. We didn’t prepare well. And now we’re struggling.
Let me encourage you: it’s not too late.
Structured preparation isn’t just for engagement. It’s for any season of marriage. You can start having these conversations today. You can find a mentor couple this month. You can work through a curriculum together starting next week.
The best time to prepare for marriage is before you get married. The second best time is right now.
“There is no shame in needing help. There is only shame in knowing you need it and doing nothing.”
Final Thoughts
I don’t write any of this to scare you. I write it because I care about your marriage more than I care about your wedding.
A beautiful wedding lasts one day. A beautiful marriage lasts a lifetime.
The question isn’t whether you love each other enough. The question is: Are you preparing well enough for what’s coming?
Because something is always coming. Life will test your marriage. Sickness will come. Financial pressure will come. Disagreements will come. Disappointments will come.
The couples who make it aren’t the ones who loved the most. They’re the ones who prepared the best.
Be that couple.
Are you engaged or thinking about marriage? I’ve created free resources to help you prepare well. Visit www.extravagantgracebook.com for courses, articles, and tools to build a marriage that lasts.
And if you’re already married and struggling — please reach out. Send a prayer request through the website. You are not alone.