Over the past several months, I’ve been writing about growth — in your career, your spiritual life, your emotional health, and your relationships. But the more I write, the more I realize that relationships are the soil where most of our growth either happens or dies.
Every increase, blessing, setback, or pain in one’s life can be traced back to a relationship. Starting from the moment you are born, you consciously or unconsciously engage in relationships that determine your life path.
So why do we treat them like accidents?
We date based on feelings. We commit based on chemistry. We marry based on attraction. And then we wonder why we’re struggling.
What if relationships required the same intentionality as everything else we want to grow?
After years of learning — sometimes the hard way — here are five foundations I’ve discovered for building relationships that actually last.
Foundation #1: Understand That Relationships Are Either Adding or Subtracting
There are four types of relationships:
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Those who add — they give their time, talents, and treasure without expecting anything in return
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Those who subtract — they consistently drain you
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Those who divide — they actively work against your growth
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Those who multiply — they challenge you to become more than you are
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: not everyone belongs in every season of your life.
I learned this the hard way. I had a friend I loved deeply. We did life together — shopping, talking, caring for one another. Until something happened and tore the friendship apart. It hurt. But looking back, that subtraction made room for multiplication I wouldn’t have received otherwise.
Ask yourself today: Which category does this relationship belong in? And am I being honest with myself?
Foundation #2: Become the Person Who Adds Before You Look for Someone Who Adds
Most of us spend so much time looking for the right people that we never stop to ask: Am I the right person?
Here’s what I’ve learned about becoming someone who adds:
1. Give your time. Plan empty spaces in your schedule. Leave room for the unexpected. The most valuable thing you own isn’t your phone or your career — it’s your 24 hours.
2. Share your experience and knowledge. You have more to offer than you think. That mistake you made at 22? Someone is about to make the same one. That lesson you learned the hard way? Someone could learn it the easy way — from you.
3. Give gifts. Researchers have found that generosity lowers blood pressure, reduces depression, boosts self-esteem, and even extends your life. Giving isn’t just good for the receiver. It’s good for your soul.
4. Encourage. I keep a list of encouraging phrases nearby. “Hang in there.” “Keep pushing.” “I’m behind you 100%.” “I’m so proud of you.” These words cost nothing and can change everything.
5. Show that you care. Say thank you. Apologize. Forgive. Call just to check in. Write a letter. Serve someone without announcing it.
“We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” — Winston Churchill
Ask yourself today: If everyone treated me the way I treat others, would they want to stay in my life?
Foundation #3: Stop Confusing Self-Esteem With Christ-Esteem
I need to be honest with you about something.
My senior pastor, Bishop Darlingston Johnson, once preached on self-esteem. This is a man who has been in ministry for over 30 years, planted over 350 churches worldwide, and mentored ministers across six continents.
And he admitted that after preaching on self-esteem to our youth ministry, his own self-esteem was bruised.
That shook me.
Because if a man with that kind of impact can struggle, then this isn’t about achievement. It’s about something deeper.
Here’s what I’ve come to understand: the world teaches self-esteem — confidence in your own worth or abilities. But Christ-esteem has nothing to do with self and everything to do with others.
“The problem with low self-esteem is not that we don’t love ourselves enough — it’s that we love ourselves too much.”
Think about that. When you love yourself so much that you need everyone to praise you, applaud you, and admire you — that’s not confidence. That’s a prison.
William Booth, founder of the Salvation Army, once sent a telegram to his pastors with a single word: “Others.”
Mother Teresa lived the same way: “Never be so busy as not to think of others.”
The secret to healthy self-esteem isn’t more self-focus. It’s less.
Ask yourself today: Am I building my identity on what Christ says about me or on what people think of me?
Foundation #4: Embrace Subtraction as Part of Growth
This one is hard to write. And it might be hard for you to read.
Some relationships have to end for you to become who God called you to be.
I shared recently about a friendship that broke my heart. I loved this woman. I stayed with her in the hospital after her miscarriage. I cried with her. I trusted her. And then, without warning, she cut me off completely.
I was hurt. I replayed everything in my head. I asked myself what I did wrong. I held onto that offense like it was protecting me.
But here’s what I learned: unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.
One Friday night at prayer service, a woman named Ms. Mary came to me with a word: “Sandrine, why are you holding that lady in your heart? Release her. You are preventing her from being blessed.”
I cried. I fought it. I finally said out loud: “Lord, I cannot forgive. But you can forgive through me. Come and forgive through me.”
And something broke.
Nine months later, I heard she had a baby — the very thing I had prayed for her when I finally released her.
Ask yourself today: Who am I still holding in my heart? And am I ready to release them so I can be free?
Foundation #5: Choose Discernment Over Access
Not every open door is from God. Not every interested person is your person. Not every relationship that feels good is good for you.
“Every door that opens is not the door that will lead you to growth. There are some doors that open widely, just to put you in a life sentence of captivity. Jails and prisons also have doors.”
Faith is not foolishness.
I’ve seen believers make foolish decisions in the name of faith — dating unbelievers because “God will change them,” staying in toxic situations because “I’m believing for a miracle,” ignoring red flags because “love covers all sins.”
That’s not faith. That’s fear dressed up in religious language.
Discernment means:
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Having clear goals for your life before someone enters it
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Knowing your non-negotiables before you’re emotionally attached
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Being willing to walk away from good things to make room for God’s best
Ask yourself today: Does this relationship align with my purpose, or am I just attached to the comfort?
Putting It All Together
I don’t write these things because I have it all figured out. I write them because I’m still learning — and I want you to learn faster than I did.
Intentional Christian relationships require:
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Honesty about whether someone is adding or subtracting
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Generosity in how you treat others
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Identity rooted in Christ, not in what people think
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Courage to let go when growth requires subtraction
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Discernment to walk through the right doors and leave the wrong ones closed
Relationships are a currency. Invest them wisely.
Don’t postpone love. Don’t wait for the perfect circumstances to laugh with the people in front of you. Live now. Love now. Laugh now.
And do it with people who help you become who God created you to be.
I’m praying for you.
If this blog spoke to you, I’ve created free resources to go deeper. Visit www.extravagantgracebook.com for free courses on dating, love, and relationships — all designed to help you build intentional relationships that honor God.
And if you’re struggling today — really struggling — send me a prayer request through the website. You are not alone.
Related Resources:
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Listen to the “Are You Ready” podcast on Spotify — Season 1 is all about healing from emotional hurts
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Read my previous blog: “Growth and Relationships”
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Read “Forgiveness for Increase”
What foundation do you need to work on most right now? I’d love to hear from you in the comments below.